News:

Welcome to week4paug.net 2.1 - same as it ever was! Most features have been restored, but please keep us posted on ANY issues you may be having HERE:  https://week4paug.net/index.php/topic,23937

Main Menu

Joke Time

Started by sophist, June 14, 2006, 05:39:09 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Wolfmansbrother

^  :lol:



Why did the girl fall off the swing?
she didn't have any arms

antelope19

Quote
Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during the
course of normal conversation with their co-workers.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily
offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to
accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.
Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phr ases have
been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can
continue in an effective manner.

Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing b__ch.

Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect m e to do this?

Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!

Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f ___ing problem.

Number 8
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

Number 9
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

Number 10
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?

Number 11
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD O F: He's got his head up his a__.

Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

Number 14
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.

Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

Number 16
TRY SAY ING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.

Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

Number 18
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.

Thank You,
Human Resources

Quote
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment

blatboom

 :lol:  :clap:

I like it.  although working in a warehouse for a company run by morons I use anywhere from 3 to 10 of those a day

shoreline99

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings
over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know
that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.

"A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and
says "Hi Davey.

Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door,
he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper
must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in
the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch
tonight, Dave."

Quote from: rowjimmy on August 25, 2015, 11:19:15 AM
You're entitled to your opinion but I'm going to laugh at it.

whyweigh5.0

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!




An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctors office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, Well, doc, its like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.

She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked! You asked your neighbor?

The old man replied, Yep, none of us could get the jar open.
The Edge... there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over. - Hunter S. Thompson
http://liquidgoggles.blogspot.com/

antelope19

#35
A WOMAN'S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end, And always be my very best friend.


A MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with huge boobs, who owns
a bar on a golf course, and loves to send me fishing and drinking.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
The End

Quote
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment

Mr Minor

Quote from: antelope19 on December 05, 2008, 09:52:50 AM
A WOMAN'S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, Knows what to answer to
'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end, And always be my very best friend.


A MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with huge boobs, who owns
a bar on a golf course, and loves to send me fishing and drinking.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
The End



:lol:

birdman

Paug FTMFW!

rowjimmy

Heard this one last night:

It's Sunday morning and the church is full. As the pastor begins his sermon, the congregation is shocked to see him disappear in a sudden puff of smoke.

After another puff of smoke, the Devil appears standing beside the pulpit.

Mass panic ensues as the congregation rushes to the doors and windows to escape the Devil. When the riot subsides, there is still one man calmly sitting in the pews.

The Devil looks at him and snarls, "Why didn't you run? Don't you know who I am?"

The man replies, "Of course I know you. I've been married to your sister for twenty years."

antelope19

Bad Joke of the day:

What is a Pirate's vehicle of choice?

















The Toyota Yaaaaaarrrrris.
Quote
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment

birdman

Paug FTMFW!

antelope19

Quote from: birdman on December 11, 2008, 03:44:01 PM
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
+k

:lol:

I said it was the "Bad Joke of the Day"  Can't say I didn't warn you.  :-D
Quote
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment

sophist

Quote from: antelope19 on December 11, 2008, 03:35:03 PM
Bad Joke of the day:

What is a Pirate's vehicle of choice?

















The Toyota Yaaaaaarrrrris.

C+  :wink:
Can we talk about the Dead?  I'd love to talk about the fucking Grateful Dead, for once, can we please discuss the Grateful FUCKING Dead!?!?!?!

antelope19

Quote
WHAT DO DEER THINK?


Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan, was being
interviewed by a French journalist and animal rights activist. The
discussion came around to deer hunting.

The journalist asked, "What do you think is the last thought in the
head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is
it 'Are you the one who killed my brother?' "

Nugent replied, "Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All
they care about is, 'What am I going to eat next, who am I going to
screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like
the French."

The interview ended at that point.


Quote
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment

natronzero

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'
I'd rather dwell in some dark holler where the sun refuses to shine, where the wild birds of heaven can't hear me when I whine.