where should I begin?
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http://www.local6.com/news/5073943/detail.html
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Cops Nab Sex Offender Clad In Rope, Feces
POSTED: 8:52 am EDT October 8, 2005
MEDFORD, Ore. -- A registered sex offender who fashioned a loin cloth from a rope and piece of lawn furniture was arrested near a high school, where he asked four girls for a ride to the mall or a motel, police said.
Kelly James Bailey, 33, of Greenwater, Wash., was wearing only the rope when he shocked a Medford woman by appearing in her back yard Thursday morning.
Before he left, Bailey, who appeared to be covered in feces, ran away with a strip of leopard-print vinyl peeled from the seat of lawn chair, said Medford police Lt. Mike Moran.
More than an hour later, four North Medford High School girls were waiting in a car near the school when Bailey - now wearing blue jeans, but still covered in the apparent fecal matter - approached the car. He asked the girls for a ride to the Red Carpet Inn or the Rogue Valley Mall.
"The girls wisely rolled up their windows and left," Moran said.
The girls alerted authorities, who spotted Bailey running near campus.
"When we caught him, he still appeared to be covered in fecal matter," Moran said. "He told us, though, he was partying with girls the night before and somehow ended up rolling around in tomato paste."
As officers patted him down, they found that he had used the rope and vinyl strip to make a primitive loin cloth.
"I think it's definitely the strangest case of the day," Moran said.
Bailey was lodged in Jackson County Jail on charges of theft, trespassing, criminal mischief and failing to register as a sex offender in Oregon. He was held on $24,000 bail.
The theft charge was for allegedly taking the vinyl strip, Moran said.
Only in Medford man, armpit of the known universe.
That part about the lawn chair is classic though!