Author Topic: Ask August  (Read 42755 times)

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Offline August

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Ask August
« on: April 28, 2006, 11:50:05 PM »
minor plumbing problems?
no problem!

women/man getting you down?
been there!

infections?
clean them!

no friends?
i am yours!

drunk?
call me!

a
« Last Edit: September 07, 2006, 12:03:38 PM by august »

Offline August

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Re: Ask August
« Reply #1 on: April 29, 2006, 01:20:52 AM »
model airplanes?
glued them!

shovels, bags and lysol?
been there!

lost credit card?
i got it!

a

Offline mopper_smurf

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Re: Ask August
« Reply #2 on: April 29, 2006, 05:03:54 AM »
Same goes for:

running out of beer/blanks/postage/sturdy mailers
car won't start
cat being sick on the rug

Ask aug!  :mrgreen:
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Offline sophist

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Re: Ask August
« Reply #3 on: April 29, 2006, 07:42:32 AM »
what about ED  :evil:  :-o  :roll:
Can we talk about the Dead?  I'd love to talk about the fucking Grateful Dead, for once, can we please discuss the Grateful FUCKING Dead!?!?!?!

Offline Guyute

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Re: Ask August
« Reply #4 on: April 29, 2006, 08:59:35 AM »
I've got this green ring around my............nevermind.
Good decisions come from experience;
Experience comes from bad decisions.

About to open a bottle of Macallan.  There's my foreign policy bitch, I support Scotland.

Offline August

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Re: Ask August
« Reply #5 on: April 29, 2006, 10:28:58 AM »
Same goes for:

running out of beer/blanks/postage/sturdy mailers
car won't start
cat being sick on the rug

Ask aug!  :mrgreen:


i am not sure if this is a question or a statement, so i will
approach it as if it were a question.

cat sick on the rug: this one is very easy to solve.you are first going to have to let the CV dry completely. (CV is short for "cat vomit" in the States) Once the CV is completely solidified use the jar of frozen peanut butter you keep for special occasions and rub (or "steam-roll") it all over the wall-like CV.
and there you go!you'll find that this method is much easier than the spray bottle/paper towel route.

postage issues: a good friend of mine works for the US Postal Service.here is a tip for everyone to use. if you apply alot of the "postcard stamps" to a package, and fill in the return address as your local post office, you will save a ton of money because the post office HAS TO SHIP THIS! They legally have to ship your package regardless of insufficient postage or contents due to the largest loophole in the history of loopholes which is commonly refered to as the "Largest Loophole" in certain circles. even if you apply 30 cents on a package that normally is $11 to ship, most of the times they dont even look at how much you put on.they are so passive at the PO, they just want people to ,at the very least, show that they put SOME effort into it.
check this out. last year, i sent a microwave oven, a hibachi with one ten pound bag of charcoal, a sixty inch plasma TV and a two-seater bicyle for how much?.......
$1.19 !

glad to help-
August

Offline cleech74

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Re: Ask August
« Reply #6 on: April 29, 2006, 10:32:24 AM »
Oh this could get silly.

Aug,

What can be done for "Ants in the Pants"?

And when "is" Phish coming back?

And, Who sent you?!?

"But Lord, during the hardest trials of my life, why was there only one set of footprints?"

"Because," said the Lord, "Sandpeople always ride single-file, to hide their numbers."


"ruminations of the end of empire, what it is like for a society to no longer have the will to pull itself as a whole, as a single entity, forward. It is a recipe for the disenfranchisement of significant portions of the country, for a divorce of one America from the other" -David Simon

Offline August

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Re: Ask August
« Reply #7 on: April 29, 2006, 11:14:43 AM »
what about ED  :evil:  :-o  :roll:

how old are you?
if you are as old as i think you are you shouldnt have this problem, but if you do, you have a problem.
i am a little perplexed as to which ED you make reference to because the polar opposite of ED is actually called ED.
for arguments sake we will call them...
ED (small) - cant get it up
ED (large) - cant get it down.

i am gonna go ahead and assume that you are suffering from ED (large) based solely on your age, which too, was an assumption on my part.
but trust my advice, for i am part doctor.

now, tell me if this scenario sounds familiar...
you and some college-minded female "finish up" what was started two weeks earlier and she hits the dirt path back to campus. you head downstairs, crack into a can of brew, call some buddies and throw on the TV. now, keep in mind, it is late, so the only thing on the high channels are "Girls Gone Wild" info-mercials (which arent too bad the first time around but eventually get you down, in the emotional sense of the word, due to the realization that the girls are way out of your league and have the same self-esteem level as that chick you just sent on her way).Plus, if you werent affected in this manner, Girls Gone Wild promos are not helping your situation.

a friend of yours walks into the room and mistaked your ED (large) for a hat rack. literally, he throws his hemp hat on it. he doesnt notice the situation, but you sure do and come to realize that the girl has been gone for over 90 minutes now.
you barrel into the bathroom in hopes of "talking yourself down".
to no avail.
well phan, kiss your days of ED (large) goodbye!
INGREDIENTS:

1 teaspoon of Taco Bell Fire sauce
2 cups of Romrico Rum
White-Out
1 quart of expensive extra-virgin olive oil
1 joule of will power
1/2 cup of Grape Nuts (could be generic)
1 Brillo pad.

Step One: Mix the White Out, Olive Oil, Fire sauce, Rum and Grape Nuts in a large 
bowl until completely whipped. By hand this should be roughly 225 strokes. By machine is not as rewarding.
Step Two Absorb the whipped mixture with the Brillo Pad.
Step Three Apply vigorously to damned area(s) with mixture-soaked Brillo Pad.
Step Four (This should have been Step Three, but whatever, if you made it this far you really could have skipped this step) Mainline the Will-Power.

And there you go!
Let it sit for about 3-5 minutes before serving.

Glad to help-
August


« Last Edit: April 29, 2006, 02:24:50 PM by august »

Offline sophist

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Re: Ask August
« Reply #8 on: April 29, 2006, 12:35:10 PM »
man that didnt help at all
that shit got way worse, while i was tagging a girl last night, this happened:


you didn't mention the side effects
It raised the price of my rent and put cracks in my driveway
Can we talk about the Dead?  I'd love to talk about the fucking Grateful Dead, for once, can we please discuss the Grateful FUCKING Dead!?!?!?!

Offline August

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Re: Ask August
« Reply #9 on: April 29, 2006, 12:37:32 PM »
actually, it looks like it DID work!
real well, as a matter of fact!
THE MELTER after only one session?
That is insane!

you owe me!

glad to help-
August

Offline sophist

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Re: Ask August
« Reply #10 on: April 29, 2006, 12:40:17 PM »
yea, it was kinda cool, i had 12/11/97 DWD going in the background, so it brought new meaning to face melter (it was her first time hearing phish, so she left with her face in her hands)
Can we talk about the Dead?  I'd love to talk about the fucking Grateful Dead, for once, can we please discuss the Grateful FUCKING Dead!?!?!?!

Offline sophist

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Re: Ask August
« Reply #11 on: April 29, 2006, 12:46:17 PM »
but back on topic:

my puppy wants to sacrifice himself(like the monks that lit themselves on fire) in order to protest the war.  Is this legal?
Can we talk about the Dead?  I'd love to talk about the fucking Grateful Dead, for once, can we please discuss the Grateful FUCKING Dead!?!?!?!

Offline August

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Re: Ask August
« Reply #12 on: April 29, 2006, 12:52:28 PM »
but back on topic:

my puppy wants to sacrifice himself(like the monks that lit themselves on fire) in order to protest the war.  Is this legal?

well my opinion is an unpopular one on this subject.
i feel that there are WAY too many puppies on this earth.
so,yes, it is legal.

glad to help-
August

Offline sophist

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Re: Ask August
« Reply #13 on: April 29, 2006, 01:01:42 PM »
well i'll be seeking your legal assistance soon,  I know PETA is going to have a field day. 
Its time for sparky to do his thang. 
He'll be wearing a t-shirt with this logo:


Can we talk about the Dead?  I'd love to talk about the fucking Grateful Dead, for once, can we please discuss the Grateful FUCKING Dead!?!?!?!

Offline August

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Re: Ask August
« Reply #14 on: April 29, 2006, 02:13:59 PM »
Aug,
What can be done for "Ants in the Pants"?
And when "is" Phish coming back?
And, Who sent you?!?

thats alot of questioning.
lets see......ants in pants.
Ants in the Pants really arent Ants, like the kind that feed off of rotting fruit, but more of the first stages of a dermatological condition known as "Xanthous Landlubber". The letter X in xanthous was throwing the common-man off so "Ants in the Pants Syndrome" was born in order to save the patient even more embarrassment.
You see, the "ants-like" feeling that is first noticed bt the infected is nothing more than discomfort and paranoia.This first stage usually only last a short time (40-47 hours) and is quickly relieved by stage two of xanthous landlubber.
Stage Two usually has the feeling of stage one, at first, but rapidly makes living in your own skin unbearable.Factually, most people diagnosed with stage two Xanthous are often misdiagnosed with prolonged crystal meth exposure due to the itching,burning an scratching coupled with the increasing paranoia.These patients are quickly strapped down to wooden planks and taunted with remarks of "Aaarrrrr.Walk the plank, Matey" simply for kicks.Also, all of these patients are admitted as Bob Smith or John Doe even if proper identification is presented.The reason for this is not quite known.
Stage Three of "Pant-like Antonia" involves either a firing squad or being dropped off in the center of a wooded area, depending on which state the afflicted is in.(As of April 2006, WI,ID,NY & NJ are the only states lacking an "off-the-books" type of firing squad)
Those dropped off in the woods usually are never seen again, although there have been   cases of scribbled hiakus found inside old issues of Nintendo Power.(Furthur investigation of these findings were deemed inconclusive and were written off as forgotten "supplies" of "experimenting" high school students.

So "What can be Done about Ants in the Pants"?
As you can see, not much, other than prevention.

Glad to Help-
August