Adventuring Party Politics: The Campaign is Getting Ugly

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GM:  OK, the bugbear attacks you.  What do you do?

OBAMA: I send one of my 672 henchmen after it.

MCCAIN:  OK, seriously.  Why does he have so many henchmen?  I'm a
level 72 ranger and he's only a level 8 paladin.

OBAMA:  Well, if you'd bought the Grassroots Organizing and
Oratory/Colgate Smile proficiencies you could min max it so that
you...

MCCAIN: Why is he even IN this campaign? I thought this was supposed
to be a high level party.

OBAMA: Well, maybe some people got tired of the grim and squinty
"Matterhorn, son of Marathon" shtick you keep doing.  Dude, could you
be any less original?

MCCAIN: Oh my god, I did not leave my left nut in a tiger cage in the
Tomb of Horrors to spend my Friday nights mopping up after the new
kid.

OBAMA: "My friends, I am a totally unoriginal grizzled character class
stereotype.  I should lead the party because I have more testicular
damage than that one."

MCCAIN: Yeah, well, you pal around with dark elves.

OBAMA: OH NO YOU DIDN'T.

MCCAIN: Whatever, so's your mom.

OBAMA: So's your FACE.

MCCAIN: So's your Mom's face!

HILARY: WTF you guys.  Why am I playing the cleric?

MCCAIN: Hilary, we've been over this.

HILARY: No, dude.  I am so sick of being the girlfriend healer.
Seriously, I can't even use a sword.  Fuck this noise.

KUCINICH: IM A BARD

OBAMA: That's nice.

KUCINICH: MY FAMILIAR IS A PURPLE SNOW LEOPARD

MCCAIN: Oh, Jesus.  Here we go.

KUCINICH: DID I MENTION MY WIFE IS A TOTALLY BANGIN DRYAD WITH 20
CHARISMA

HILARY: C'mon you guys, I've been playing this shit since Gygax was in
eighth grade.  Why can't I be the party leader with the magic sword
for once?

MCCAIN: Because no one wants to see you in a bronze bra.

OBAMA: Oh dude, BURRRRRNNNN.

HILARY: SCREW YOU, Grandpa. I will so kick your ass.

MCCAIN: Yeah?  Bring it!  I didn't spend 3 years in the Abyss with
Githzerai hooking my nads up to a car battery to get beat by some
Wellesley girl.

HILARY: WHATEVER, you can't even lift your arms over your head.

RON PAUL:  I brought my Planescape character!

OBAMA: Dude, we're playing Forgotten Realms.

RON PAUL: I rift in from Sigil!  I'm a Chaotic Neutral Tiefling
Barbarian/Monk/Rogue!

MCCAIN: DUDE, that is not even LEGAL.

RON PAUL:  Ronpaul the Barbarian say: suck it!  Guns and abortions and
weed for everyone! WHEEE!

PALIN: Hi folks!  Sorry I'm late!  I brought caribou burgers.

HILARY: Who the HELL is this?

MCCAIN: It's cool, she's with me.

HILARY: No!  No, it's not cool!  Every time you bring one of your
rodeo-queen girlfriends in here she ends up playing some succubus
infiltrator and killing the whole party!

MCCAIN: Now, that is patently untrue.

BIDEN: He has a point. Cindy turned out to be a vampire.

MCCAIN: DUDE. SHUT UP.

GM: You guys, seriously, if you don't knock it off with the bickering
I'm going to start docking XP.

MCCAIN: You know what?  Fuck it.  I'm suspending the campaign.

GM: You can't do that!  Only I can suspend the campaign!  I didn't
suspend it for the 1988 Mountain Dew shortage and I'm not going to
suspend it now.

KUCINICH: YOU GUYS I AM TOTALLY CASTING A CANTRIP

MCCAIN: Oh my god, Dennis, shut up, you don't even count.

KUCINICH: YOU GUYS ARE DICKS

BIDEN: Where are the Cheetos?

RON PAUL: Wait.  What happen to tiny Mormon Man?

GM: You find Mitt's lifeless, drained corpse has been stuffed in the
broom closet.

HILARY:  Oh, God DAMMIT.

MCAIN: Not ok!  NOT OK!

OBAMA: What, I didn't even get a detect evil roll for that one?

HILARY: I TOLD you she was a succubus, but did anyone listen? Oohhhhh
no, Hilary's just jealous of the beauty queen.

RON PAUL: Pretty Lady screw Mitt lifeless.  Ronpaul SMASH!!

MCCAIN: Would you please go light up a spliff and stay out of this?
The grown ups are talking.

RON PAUL: Why pretty lady suck life out of Mitt and not Ronpaul?  Not
fair!

HILARY: I mean, never mind that I'm the one with 17 Wisdom, but does
anyone listen to the girl? Noooooo.

RON PAUL: Also Mitt have stupid name.  Who name kid after baseball
equipment?

KUCINICH:  HAY YOU GUYS CHECK OUT MY HEAD OF VECNA TRICK

HILARY: This never would have happened when Tim Russert was our GM.

GM: You know what? Forget it.  Rocks fall, everyone dies.

OBAMA: Screw you guys.  I'm going to go play Bunnies and Burrows at
Jon Stewart's house.

HILARY: Me too.

MCCAIN: Me too.

KUCINICH: GAZEBO!

[rowjimmy]

 

[twatts]

What's sad is I understood that whole melee...

T