The Complete Collection of Michael Jackson Jokes

[crnl4bn]

I found these over at tapers section...
Some of 'em are pretty lame...


Q: Have you heard about Michael Jackson's New Book?
A: It's called, "The In's and Out's of Child Rearing

Q: What do Michael Jackson and the New York Mets have in common?
A: They're both walking around with one glove on their hand for no
apparent reason whatsoever!!

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A: One is white, made out of plastic, and dangerous for kids to play
with and
the other you carry your groceries in !!

Q: Why was Michael Jackson spotted at K-Mart?
A: He heard boys' pants were half-off !!

Q: What's brown and in a baby's diaper?
A: Michael Jackson's hand !!

Q: What did the man on the beach say to Michael Jackson?
A: Get out of my sun!!

Q: What's white and in Michael Jackson's pocket?
A: His other hand !!

Q: What do you do if Michael Jackson is drowning?
A: Throw him a boy !!

Q: How can you tell if Michael Jackson has company?
A: There's a big wheel parked outside his house!!

Q: Heard about Michael Jackson's new songs?
A: I'm forever blowing bubbles!

Knock Knock!
Who's There?
Little boy blue!
Little boy blue who?
Michael Jackson!!

Q: Did you hear that Michael Jackson and Tonya Harding have decided
to
begin training racehorses together?
A: Yeah, she's gonna do all the handicapping and he's gonna ride all
the
three-year-olds!

Q: Why does Michael Jackson arrange for private shopping?
A: So his guests won't be accompanied by guardians!

Q: What do Michael Jackson and a Big Mac have in common?
A: They're both 45 year old meat between 10 year old buns!

Q:Why isn't all the controversy bothering Michael?
A:He doesn't mind reaching bottom.

Q:What's Michael's favorite Canadian TV show?
A:The Kids in the Hall.

Q:  Who does Michael Jackson consider a Perfect "10"?
A:  Two 5 year olds.

Q:  Why are Michael Jackson's pants so small?
A:  Because they aren't his!

`Did you hear about Michael Jackson's toaster?
~The bread goes in brown, and comes out white.

`What does Michael Jackson call a circumcision?
~Foreplay.

Q:  How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
A:  From a catalogue.

`What does Michael Jackson reminisce about when he gets nostalgic?
~Blowing his first nose.

Q:  What's the difference between Richard Pryor and Michael Jackson?
A:  Richard Pryor got burnt on coke, Michael Jackson got burnt on
  Pepsi!

Q: Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men??
A: He thought it was a delivery service.

Michael said to Debbie one night, "I fancy some
entertainment, what shall we do?".
To which Debbie replied " I know we'll get a video".
Michael then said " Great, Ill get Aladdin".
Debbie said speedily "No Michael, You have been
in trouble for that before"

`What's black and comes in little white cans?
~Michael Jackson

`What famous celebrity had the most children over the last 10 years?
~Michael Jackson.

Prince Michael Jackson, Jr. --- you know in a few years
they'll probably change his name to:
The Child Formerly Known as Michael Jackson's Baby

Michael Jackson had a boy. He also became a father!

He asked his wife's doctor how soon after the birth could
he have sex.

The doctor told him he should wait until the kid is at least
12 or 13 years old.

`What do Michael Jackson & Michael Jordan have in common?
~They both play ball in the Minor League.

`What's the difference between them?
~One is in the Minors, the other is into Minors.

`Why was Michael Jackson relieved of his Cub Scout Leader duties? ~He
was up to a pack a day.

`What happens when Michael talks about sex?
~It's all very tongue in cheek.

`What does Michael have in common with NASA?
~It's been 25 years since his first moon landing.

`What do Michael's ass and an LA jail have in common?
~Both hold the juice.

`What has 18 balls and 3 pubic hairs?
~A Michael Jackson slumber party.

The Pope has issued a proclamation on Michael Jackson.  If he hears
any more allegations about little boys, the Pope says he'll have no
choice but to make him a priest.

`What do Michael Jackson and Willie Shoemaker have in common? ~Both ride
4 year olds.

`How do we know Michael Jackson is ready to release another album? ~He
has a lot of stuff in the can.

`What will they call Michael's new TV series?
~Anus and Andy.

I understand that Micheal decided to have a boy of his
own because it's too expensive to rent them at $2 Million
a pop.

`Who will Michael record his next album with?
~Les Brown.

`What do Michael and Mrs. Perot have in common?
~Both fuck little assholes.

`Why does Michael travel with a huge road crew?
~He always has a lot of shit to pack.

`Why doesn't Michael sleep with boys anymore?
~He's tired of all the cracks.

`Did you know they're putting out a Michael Jackson stamp? ~Fans get to
vote for the white or black Michael Jackson.

`Why did Michael go to college?
~To get his Bachelor of Arse degree.

`Why's Michael trying out for the NBA?
~He's a crack shooter.

`Why's Michael opening a sperm bank?
~He always has a shitload of semen.

`Who's Michael Jackson's favorite poet?
~Emily Dick in son.

`What does Michael call an orgy?
~A fruit salad.

`What's the difference between Michael and a proctologist?
~A proctologist doesn't pay for the assholes he's poked around in.

`Why doesn't Michael have orgasms?
~The big payoff comes a couple of months later.

`Why has Michael been appearing on children's shows lately?
~He has a lot to plug.

`What's the worst stain to try to remove from a little
boy's underpants?
~Michael Jackson's makeup.

`Hear about the new "Michael Jackson" candy bar?
~It's made from white chocolate, and contains no nuts.

Michael Jackson and Woody Allen on "Child Psychology":
"Spare the rod, and spoil the child."

`What did Michael Jackson say to Woody Allen?
~Got two fives for a ten?

`What is Michael Jackson's Alma Matter?
~Bring-em Young.

`Did you hear about the duet by Michael Jackson and Elton John? ~It is
titled "Don't let your son go down on me."

`Why does Michael Jackson hide for a couple hours after one of his
little friends leave?
~It takes that long to get the bubble gum off his dick.

`What's the difference between Mr. Potato Head and Michael Jackson?
~Michael Jackson has had more noses.

`What did Michael Jackson suffer from as a kid?
~Clitoris envy.

`Why did Michael invite MacCauly Caulkin to the house?
~He's like the little boy he never had.

`Why does Michael really need to go to rehab?
~He's a crack addict.

`What's Michael Jackson's favorite nursery rhyme?
~"Little Boy Blew."

`Did you know that Michael Jackson just turned 35?
~Yeah, but he still feels like a 13 year old.

`How did Michael get in trouble?
~He was feeling a little Randy.

`How is Michael dealing with his problems?
~He's holding his own.

`How are Michael's friends dealing with the problem?
~They're all standing behind him.

`How did Michael actually proposition the little boy?
~It was just a slip of the tongue.

`What's sex like for Michael?
~Child's Play.

`How is Michael now?
~Feeling a little crotchety.

`Hear about the new Michael Jackson doll?
~It comes in a little can.

`Why does Michael like children so much?
~He knows how they feel.

`How can you tell when Michael Jackson is giving a party?
~By all the Big Wheels in his driveway.

`What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a Plastic bag? ~One
is made out of plastic and is dangerous for kids to play with
and one is used to carry groceries.

`Why does Michael own a theme park?
~He's always been into children's shit.

`Did you hear Michael Jackson was running a "blue-light" special
at a local K-Mart?
~Little boys' pants were half off!

`What makes Michael Jackson so unique?
~It's the little boy inside him.

`How does Michael like to party?
~He sips a couple of Tall Boys.

`What's Michael's favorite snack?
~Slim Jims.

`What's Michael's favorite fast food?
~Big Boys.

`How do we know Michael is guilty?
~Several children have fingered him.

`Why is Michael so tough?
~He can lick any kid on the block.

`What's the new movie about Michael Jackson called?
~"The Hand that Robs the Cradle."

`How will Michael pay off his old boyfriends?
~Liquefy some assets.

`What's the difference between Nixon and Michael Jackson?
~One was a consummate asshole, the other a consummated asshole.

Tuck the end of a jacket sleeve into your pants crotch.  Hold the
jacket off to the side.  Then ask, "What's this?"  "Dunno." "Michael
Jackson helping a kid put his coat on."

`What did Michael Jackson say after he was interrupted during sex?
~"Shit happens!"

McDonald's is bringing out a new burger ..."Micheal Jackson Burger"...
It has 35 yr old meat inside 5 yr old buns.

`WHATS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A HORSE RACING JOCKEY AND MICHAEL
 JACKSON.
~A JOCKEY CAN MOUNT 3 YEAR OLDS LEGALLY.

`WHAT DID MICHAEL JACKSON SAY WHEN HE GOT BACK TO NEVERLAND RANCH
 FROM DRUG REHAB?
~ YOU KNOW,  I FEEL LIKE A NEW BOY!

What are Michael Jackson's favorite sayings?
1)      There's a sucker born every minute.
2)      Kids do the darndest things.
3)      Tricks are for kids.

`What's Michaels' next movie?
~Honey I Blew the Kid.

`What's Michaels' favorite group?
~New Kids on the Cock.

`What do Michael and Gaylord Perry have in common?
~Both have held lots of wet balls in their hands.

`What's sex like for Michael?
~Like candy from a baby.

`What psychological problem does Michael still suffer from? ~Anal
retention.

`What do Michael and Catholic school nuns have in common?
~Both are a pain in the ass to kids.

`What's the difference between Michael and Connie Chung? ~Michael's been
able to have kids.

`What's Michael's favorite dish?
~Creamed shrimp.

`Why's Michael cutting down on public appearances?
~He wants to spend more time with the kids.

`How are Michael's friends like U.S. veterans?
~They all get fucked in the end.

`How will they ensure that Michael gets a thorough body search? ~Hire a
Catholic priest to do it.

`What will they call the upcoming movie about Michael Jackson? ~"The
African Queen."

`How do we know Michael Jackson isn't really a virgin?
~He's got children out the ass.

Michael Jackson and Pee Wee Herman are have come out with a
new video called... "I'll beat it for you."

`Why did Michael Jackson want to join the Branch Davidians?
~So he could be black again.

`How does Michael Jackson resemble the Cincinatti Reds? ~They're both
whiter than they should be.

A confused nine year old boy goes up to his mother
and asks, "Is God male or female?"
After thinking for a moment, his mother responds,
"Well, God is both male and female."
This confuses the little boy so he asks, "Is God black
or white?"
"Well, God is both black and white."
This further confuses the boy so he asks, "Is God gay
or straight?"
At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers
none the less, "Honey, God is both gay and straight."
At this, the boy's face lights up with understanding
and he triumphantly asks, "Is God Michael Jackson?"


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    Lisa Marie's Divorce Allegations
  Against Michael Jackson

1)  Wouldn't drink beer, watch football and break wind with
   her during Thanksgiving with Mom at Graceland.
2)  Refused her pleas for separate make-up mirrors.
3)  Unwilling to try new things in bed...like her for instance.
4)  Elephant Man bones...fine.  Oxygen chamber for eternal
   youth...well okay.  But what's with the Groucho head on
   Jayne Mansfield's body thing?
5)  In all their months of marriage not once did he charter a
   jet to get her peanut butter sandwiches or fly a mime troupe
   in from France like Poppa did for Momma.
6)  Had her favorite noses (June 1994 and September 1995)
   done over.
7)  She was shocked to discover that the glittery uniforms were
   not actually part of any real military organization.
Cool  He started hanging out with Madonna's dancers to toughen
   up his image.
9)  Everywhere you turn, Elizabeth Taylor's supporting you
   through some sordid allegation.
10) Stood in the way of her film career when he refused to
   bankroll her debut performance in 'Jailbait Rock', the
   story of her Mom and Dad's courtship.
11) The all-night Kool Aid and Twister marathons with his little
   friends left him too tired to do that 'hee-hee-hee' thing she
   fell in love with.
12) She felt pressured to buy hundreds of thousands of dollars
   worth of LaToya's Amway products for the sake of family peace.
13) Jermaine and Tito were constantly asking her why Elvis didn't
   have kids THEY could marry.
14) Swears she thought she was marrying Michael Keaton.
15) She grew tired of scouring every Chucky Cheese's within a 50
   mile radius only to find him slumped over a table in yet
   another chocolate milk and Pez stupor.
16) He told her to "just beat it" one too many times
17) He's a plain spoken "Hoosier", and she had clearly gone
    "Hollywood".
18) She wanted someone more like her father, and though he was
   already a pathetic parady of his former self, he was just
   unwilling to gain weight.
19) He kept forgetting to put the top back on the mascara.
20) Irreconcilable similarities

[ucusty]

what do jacko and cavier have in common?
they both come on little white crackers!