Joke Time

[mopper_smurf]

Ok, here's a soccer joke:

It is just before England v Brazil at the World Cup. Ronaldinho goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his teammates looking a  bit glum.
"What's up?" he asks.
"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only England. They're sh*te and we can't be bothered".
Ronaldinho looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat them by myself, you lads go down the pub."
So Ronaldinho goes out to play England by himself and the Rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars.
After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Brazil 1 - England 0 (Ronaldinho 10minutes)". He is beating England all by himself!
Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They put the teletext on.
"Result from the Stadium - Brazil 1 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes) - England 1 (Owen 89 minutes)".
They can't believe it, he has single-handedly got a draw against England!!
They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate Ronaldinho. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands.
He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down."
"Don't be daft, you got a draw against England, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!"
"No, No, I have, I've let you down... I got sent off after 12 minutes"

[Itsnotanexperience]

Ok, here's a soccer joke:

It is just before England v Brazil at the World Cup. Ronaldinho goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his teammates looking a  bit glum.
"What's up?" he asks.
"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only England. They're sh*te and we can't be bothered".
Ronaldinho looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat them by myself, you lads go down the pub."
So Ronaldinho goes out to play England by himself and the Rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars.
After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Brazil 1 - England 0 (Ronaldinho 10minutes)". He is beating England all by himself!
Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They put the teletext on.
"Result from the Stadium - Brazil 1 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes) - England 1 (Owen 89 minutes)".
They can't believe it, he has single-handedly got a draw against England!!
They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate Ronaldinho. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands.
He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down."
"Don't be daft, you got a draw against England, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!"
"No, No, I have, I've let you down... I got sent off after 12 minutes"

nice!

[gimmetela]

My mom sent this to me today...she hates the fact that I drink beer....





A koala is sitting up a gum tree ... smoking a joint

when a little lizard walks past and looks up. Koala says,


"Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"



So the koala looks down at him and says:




"Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude ... how much water did you drink?!!"

[antelope19]

The Half-Wit

A man owned a small farm in Georgia.  The Georgia State Wage & Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the agent. 
   
'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years.  I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.  The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.  Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.  He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a pizza every Saturday night.  He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'

'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' said the agent.

'That would be me,' replied the farmer

[sunrisevt]

This might be the funniest joke I've ever heard. I think it's hilarious. Most people I tell it to think I'm an idiot. It was told to me by a guy I worked with in a kitchen in Burlington. He was Ukrainian, and a former seminary student. It might be funnier in Ukrainian, but he told it in English, which was good because I don't speak Ukrainian. Anyway...

An uncle and his nephew are out drinking. (This was explicit--uncles and nephews are really close in the Ukraine, I guess.) They stumble out of a bar at one end of the street. There's a commotion down the other end of the street, as a large group stumbles out of another bar. The nephew looks at the other group, then says to his uncle, "Hey, uncle--see those assholes down the other end of the street? They're Muscovites." The uncle squints at the drunks from Moscow and responds, "Let's go kick their ass." The two start down the street on their mission. Halfway to the Muscovites, the nephew pauses and says, "But uncle, there are six of them and only two of us. What if they kick our ass?" The uncle looks at his nephew as if he's crazy, and asks, "Why?"

[kellerb]

How is Woody Allen like Kodak film?

Dude, wrong joke thread

[ytowndan]

A guy walks into a bank.  He says to the bank teller... "I WANT TO OPEN A FUCKING BANK ACCOUNT!!!"  The teller says to him "sir you can't speak like that or I'll have to ask you to leave".  He looks at her and says again..."I WANT TO OPEN A FUCKING BANK ACCOUNT!!!".  The teller says..."sir you cannot swear in here, please there are children in here right now."  So the man says..."LISTEN I WANT TO OPEN UP A FUCKING BANK ACCOUNT"  Finally she goes over and gets the bank manager.  He says..."excuse me is there a problem here??"  And the man says..."YES... I HAVE 750 FUCKING THOUSAND DOLLARS IN THIS BAG TO OPEN UP A BANK ACCOUNT!!!"  And the manager looks at him, then the teller, and says...."AND THIS FUCKING BITCH IS GIVING YOU A PROBLEM?!?!?!"

:-D

For real though I was gonna tell the aristocrat joke, but I'm too drunk right now.  :wink:

[rowjimmy]

For real though I was gonna tell the aristocrat joke, but I'm too drunk right now.  :wink:

There's a more appropriate thread for that...

[kellerb]

For real though I was gonna tell the aristocrat joke, but I'm too drunk right now.  :wink:

There's a more appropriate thread for that...

The Vaudeville thread?

[sunrisevt]

Just passed on to me by my uncle, a Redskins fan...

At the pearly gates, God asks Peyton Manning: "What do you believe?"
Peyton thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, "I believe in hard work, and
in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I always try to do right by my fans."

God can't help but see the essential goodness of Manning, and offers him a seat to his left.

Then God turns to Tony Romo and says, "What do you believe?" Tony says,
"I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the fundamentals
of life. I've always tried to be a true sportsman, both on and off the
playing field."

God is greatly moved by Tony's sincere eloquence, and offers him a seat
to his right.

Finally, God turns to Tom Brady : "And you, Tom, what do you believe?"

Tom replies, "I believe you're in my seat."

[alcoholandcoffeebeans]

 :lol:

good stuffs!

:-D

[sophist]

For real though I was gonna tell the aristocrat joke, but I'm too drunk right now.  :wink:

:-D

[antelope19]

An email I got today. 

Dear Abby,
  My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and bullshit with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me, and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do? 
Signed: Clueless   

Dear Clueless,
  Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him anymore! You're a United States Senator from New York running for President of the United States. Act like one!

Ba dum chhhhhhhhhh

[sls.stormyrider]

 :lol:

[antelope19]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive
woman waving at him.

She says hello. He's rather taken back because he can't
place where he knows her from.

So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I
think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever
been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the  stripper
from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my
buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet
celery???"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly,

No, I'm your son's teacher."